It’s been a long, strange winter. It was cold and windy and I didn’t want to do anything except nest. New house, new town, new running trails.
I didn’t have a lot of interest or ability to focus outward. Or inward, really, and I have a tendency toward anxiety when I stop taking time to relax and think about life.
It’s been hard to find the time to think.
Running used to be a way to find the time; I tend to use running as a form of informal meditation. But post-marathon it felt more like work and less like joy and my brain refused to turn off the way it used to.
New routes didn’t help. More hills didn’t help. Feeling slow and overweight and old didn’t help.
I eased off and stepped back and ran less. Ran easier routes. Didn’t push.
I started to make more time to just lie in bed and think. It’s still informal meditation, but it has always worked well for me and it’s helping again. Being still is a luxury, yes, but a necessity as well.
I gained weight, lost a bit, then backed off of that too. Too much anxiety. It’s not where my head is right now. It’s not a healthy thing for me to care about.
For the past two years, forward motion has been my driving force. I have spent a great deal of time looking to see what comes next. Now I want to halt. To be still. To enjoy this moment, just as it is.
Blogging didn’t have a place in that. Blogging is often all about what’s next, about feeding the beast with all the content and experiences you can muster.
I cut off the beast and wrote in a paper journal. Not as much as I wish I did, but it’s a habit I’m trying to restart.
Blogging can be mindful, though. And I find I miss it tremendously. So I am going to do it again. And here I am, writing to tell you about it.
I can’t promise regular content. I can’t promise even writing about running (though who am I kidding? There will be running talk. I don’t think I can stop myself as I get back into it, as I rediscover the joy). I will attempt thoughtfulness, though, and balance. And kindess, toward myself and others.
One of my New Year’s Resolutions was (and has been) to be a better friend. I meant largely to others, but now I see it applies to me as well. Be a better friend to yourself. Show yourself the kindness you show your friends. Judge yourself less harshly and find more happiness.
I am not who I was or who I wished to be, but I am finding peace in who I am.